JoKes MeGa CollEctiOn

Discussion in 'Archive' started by pinak, Oct 15, 2008.

  1. pinak

    pinak Guest

    JoKes MeGa CollEctiOn

    Importance of a name

    Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

    "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

    Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

    "Yes, I do."

    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

    "Yes, I have to admit that I did."

    "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

    "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
  2. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Little 'Kids'

    Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

    Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

  3. pinak

    pinak Guest

    20 years

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!"
  4. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Wrong Thing

    An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

    The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

    The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

    The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

    And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

  5. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Importance of a word

    "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

    "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

    "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

    "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

    "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind--either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

    "Well, OK," says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

    So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

    "Hi there," says Steve, "looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," says the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stares at him in horror and screams, "~love~! THAT'S the word!"

  6. pinak

    pinak Guest


    During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

    The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

    The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

    "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

    The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

    "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

    "Like what?" asked the bartender.

    "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

    The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

    So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

    "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

    The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

    "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

    "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

    With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

    The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

    The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

    The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

    The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
  7. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Wisdom of age

    An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."
  8. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Be Strong!

    A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

    As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

    This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
    Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

    He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

    Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
  9. pinak

    pinak Guest

    'Sex' Pistol

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

    In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

    At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife ~love~ on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
  10. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Going to Heaven

    One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However Satan said that only the good people can go to he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didnt answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.

    So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough maths formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell...

    The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving quantum theory and Newton's law and watever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell...*haiz*..*sad*...

    The last guy goes forward. He was a ~Censored~, so Satan laughed at him. Nontheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.

    He asked Satan, "Which hole did I fart through?"

    Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in everyway possible. Finally he said exasperated, "this hole", pointing to the fifth hole.

    "Wrong!!...haha..i farted through my A55HOLE!!!.... I go to Heaven!!!".....
  11. pinak

    pinak Guest


    A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

    He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

    The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

    Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

    An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

    The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

  12. pinak

    pinak Guest


    A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.
    After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

    Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
    problem of stuttering.

    Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'

    The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
    removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

    The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
    worth it.

    The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

    Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.

    The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
    'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...

  13. pinak

    pinak Guest


    Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

    One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

    The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

    The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

    "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

    The first guy says, "I don't know."

    The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ~shi.t~?"
  14. pinak

    pinak Guest

    4 Weeks

    A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

    "Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."

    Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

    A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

    "Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

    One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

    "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

    But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

    Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"

    Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
  15. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Job Application
    This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


    SIGN HERE: Aries.
  16. pinak

    pinak Guest


    A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

    "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

    The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

    "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

    As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

    Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

    Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

  17. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Days off

    Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
    One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

    "How?" asked the second worker.

    Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

    Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

    "I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

    "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

    "Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

    The second worker was hot on his heels.

    "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

    "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark
  18. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Rude Parrot

    Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.

    The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude.

    Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

    He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.

    For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a ----

    -Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

    The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

    Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did???"
  19. pinak

    pinak Guest

    Lost Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
  20. thor44663

    thor44663 Guest

    like it thanks

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